#7 : Losing a Friend

If my portfolio is supposed to a representation of my college experience, it would be very incomplete without mentioning Caroline and how her loss is leaving an impression on me. I believe there are more lessons to this event and that I have not reached a point where I know exactly what those lessons are. I decided to write this reflection as my last one for the summer because I was unsure of what exactly to write. This reflection is incomplete and will continue to develop as I learn how to grieve and what exactly the lessons are that I am supposed to learn.

The last week of June was a big one at work. We had been preparing for an event for our client leadership that would determine the scope and cost of the project going forward. This had been my main task at the client site up until this point. Preparing and gathering material from project leaders, coordinating week of logistics, and helping with fun engagement for the team. Once the week had kicked off my role was to sit in mission control and make sure nothing went wrong. So in mission control on the Tuesday of the event I was taking a mental breaking and checking recent GroupMe messages from school organizations. I am notoriously bad at GroupMe communication but one message struck me as I scrolled through. "I wish I was reaching out in better circumstances…." This was the staff GroupMe from PREP a freshman leadership organization (FLO) that I was a part of and led my sophomore year. I then received a text from one of my freshman asking if I was doing ok and then read a Facebook article that made my heart sink. I left mission control to go to the restroom with sweaty palms and feeling like someone had punched my stomach hard. My friend Caroline Killian had passed away in a car accident the night before and I found out reading a Facebook article. I was very much in shock and had not experienced a loss before.

The rest of the day was very much a blur but in a new city I felt lonely in, I experienced my community come around me. My boyfriend, roommate, and coworkers showed a love that was immediate and selfless. I am very thankful for them. I have not experienced a loss of someone as close as Caroline before. I have read all the grief articles when I had friends in need and thought reading up on it may help me relate to my friends. It does not. I saw the stages in my behavior over the summer and I am currently trying to figure out the lessons I am supposed to learn from this experience. She was bubbly and fun to be around. That person you wanted on your team because you knew it would be more fun than the other team would be having. She made me more accepting of others and more outwardly loving.

The way Caroline treated everyone and the way I saw my community care for me on that day reaffirmed the importance of my relationships for the rest of the summer. I called my family a lot more and my friends who were not in Houston. As of now, this is what I see has come from losing a friend the most.

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